AN UNLIKELY FRIENDSHIP
A friend is one who knows you
And loves you just the same.
Elbert Hubbard
I am a loner…not by choice, but by circumstance. I have no husband, no children, no partner, no family. I am a writer, an artist, an observer of life. Several years ago, my observations led me to take to the stage and create comic remarks about the lives I saw other people live. That career-change took me to Scotland to perform yearly in The Edinburgh International Fringe Festival. It was three years ago, that I decided I would like to have one of my shows filmed.
I discovered a man new to videography who was willing to film my show at no charge and send me the result. His name was Richard. He walked into the small room that was my theater, adjusted the lighting and began to film. He was not particularly notable and said very little; his hair was tied back in a pony tail and he was at that indeterminate age: past his prime but not yet in his dotage. He filmed the show, and I promptly forgot him.
That was in August, 2009. In January, I received a link to my show e mailed from a name I didn’t recognize and then I realized it was Richard. The e-mail asked me what I thought of the video and I told him it was so dark that it was useless. I thought that was the end of that.
I was wrong. He wrote back immediately said he would like to edit the film with me to get it right. Would I like to stop at his place the night before I took the train to Brighton for that festival in May? And that is what I did. Richard picked me up at Heathrow took me to his home. While we drove, he gave me a bit of his background. He was a retired policeman, a naturist, a man who never completed college living with a wife who had a kidney transplant but was still not totally recovered. The two of them walked around the house with towels wrapped around them and all I could think of is “What if they sneeze?”
We never did edit the film, but Richard drove to Brighton a few days after I got there to tape both shows I was doing for 75 pounds and his expenses. The other performers (who all videoed each other at no cost) were horrified. “That man is taking terrible advantage of you,” they warned. “He obviously can’t film a show. Look what he did to your show in Edinburgh.”
But he seemed so sincere…. so determined to get it right. I had the sense that it would be to my advantage to hire this man even though his first attempt was a dismal mess. I knew it didn’t make sense, but I paid for the filming and for the three nights he stayed at a local B&B. When he finished the filming, we arranged to meet on my way to Edinburgh in August to review his work. I didn’t have high hopes for the result. I had performed despite a killer cold and Richard seemed to have a terrible time adjusting the lighting and the microphone. I was absolutely certain I had thrown away a lot of money and time on a useless project.
Still, I had paid him and I had to give him the benefit of helping him edit. He seemed so anxious create a quality video. Perhaps, this time, he would produce something worth keeping. We arranged for him to pick me up at the airport and spend one night editing his work. The next day he would drive me to Scotland if I contributed to the cost of petrol. I agreed.
Again, we didn’t edit his work and I decided I had made a stupid decision that I better chalk up to bad lesson learned. We left the next morning for Edinburgh. The drive there from London is about 7 hours and I was dreading it. I would be stuck for a very long time with a man who had not fulfilled his obligation to me and I could not imagine anything the two of us could talk about. We had absolutely nothing in common. I am an intellectual snob, a loner who hates the police mentality and would no more romp around in the altogether than I would solicit on street corners.
To my amazement, the two of us bonded immediately once we started actually talking to one another. He struck a responsive chord in me that I had never felt with anyone before and that included both husbands and any pseudo-relationships I had experienced in 77 years. That is a very long time, and this was a novel sensation for me. I had discovered a like mind.
Who would have dreamed such a thing was possible? Here was a man who came from a different culture with a divergent mind set and a value system totally opposite from my own. His value system was British: he had a sense of his place in society and his obligations to others that the me-me American culture does not even consider. And he was very conservative. He believed in rules and our need to follow them. I, on the other hand, hate arbitrary restrictions and believe blanket regulation is idiotic. Each of us is, after all unique, with our own unique needs.
I was sitting next to a man who was 18 years younger than I discussing philosophy and social issues, fully expecting him to throw me out of his automobile once he realized how radical my views were. Instead, the two of us agreed on just about every topic we touched. We talked about taking responsibility for your own happiness, allowing others to determine their unique journey and everyone’s right to be who he is.
And we laughed. Everything we saw or said descended into a joke. The seven hours on the motorway seemed like 7 seconds.
When we arrived in Edinburgh, Richard settled me in my flat and then we worked in getting my show up and running. I never asked for his help and I certainly never expected it. I had been organizing my own productions alone for 5 years, but it was lovely to have someone else ushering people to their seats, making sure the sound worked and overseeing the audience. Richard never asked me if he could help, he just was there for me. Several times, he took over for the inept sound man I had hired, and even more often he made sure that the show before mine got out on time; something I had never managed because the people running the shows paid no attention to me. Evidently, much as I hated to believe such a sexist thing, a man’s voice was needed.
That first year, Richard made sure I paid for his unsolicited services by treating him to food, drink, and video supplies. Although I knew I owed him a great deal for making my shows run efficiently not to mention having someone to help me figure out how to get from one venue to another, it made me restless to constantly pay his expenses. We would go to a restaurant and he would say he couldn’t eat because had no money. He was a retired policeman. Surely, the British took care of their public servants better than that? Still, it felt wrong to eat when I knew he was hungry so I always said, “No worries. I’ll treat.”
We were together every day for two weeks and although I was grateful for all he did for me, I was worried as well. I was spending a lot of money on him that I had intended to use to pay for next year’s shows. Three days before he was to return to London, the man who owned the restaurant where we habitually ate our late night meals, looked at Richard and said, ”I thought you were friends. Why does she always pay?”
Richard said nothing but reached in his wallet and took care of his meal. The next day, he treated ME to a coffee and from then on, I never paid for his food or his expenses. He seemed to realize that we were building a friendship, not a business relationship. Over the next year and a half, I always offered to treat, but he rarely accepted. If he did, he always reciprocated by buying a bottle of wine, or treating me to the next meal. Our relationship was doing a subtle, but very sweet shift and I could feel myself relaxing with him. Before long, I realized that here was someone who made every situation better for me just by being there.
The next August, we drove to Edinburgh once more and he stayed the entire month. We are both independent people, each busy with our own projects. I made it a point to find shows for him to video and get tickets for shows I thought he would enjoy. Richard videoed other shows and several street performers while I did guest appearances and performed in my own two shows. Still, we saw one another several hours every day. During that time we never fought, although we often disagreed. We laughed and traded observations on the panorama that is the Edinburgh Fringe. I realized our friendship was a permanent thing and for me it has become the golden ring I always sought.
When I was stranded at King’s Cross, it was Richard who rescued me. When I could not manage all my props and get to an interview on time, it was Richard who appeared out of nowhere to get me there. When I needed to find a way to get from London to Edinburgh to audition for a reality show, Richard made my train reservations and picked me up at the station when I returned. He drove me to Glasgow to find a manager and he took me to my shows so I wouldn’t have to be alone in a strange place. Always, Richard. He is an angel to me.
I have always felt our friendship was too one-sided. This lovely man, who has a very full life of his own, never hesitates to stop everything to help me or make my own dreams possible. But then I read a tribute he wrote about me in a local magazine he edits. He spoke of our meeting: ”I knew from the outset that there was something special about the ‘Fringe’. Being introduced to Lynn Ruth on my last day there in 2009, was the catalyst that enabled me to discover the magic much more quickly.” And he continues,” We have seen many shows together which we discuss, compare views and explore the different aspects of the performance. My Edinburgh wouldn’t be the same without Lynn Ruth Miller.”
Although I see Richard three times a year and we rarely communicate between visits, I know that I have found someone who will always be there for me just because I am who I am. He has helped me grow in so many ways. When you are independent and alone, you don’t learn from others. But when you are with someone who sees a different side to each situation, you re-evaluate who you are and where you want to go. There is nothing like conversation to polish up perspective. Richard’s point of view always makes sense even if I do not agree with it. I know he listens to my reasoning as well and it colors his opinions. We both are richer and wiser for having one another.
That is what friendship is, isn’t it: a special gift that becomes a savings account of caring? We know it is always there even if we never have to draw on it. We all have thousands of people we call buddies, but it is rare to have more than one forever-friend. The trick is to recognize who that person is. I waited well over 78 years to discover that kind of friendship and I count myself one of the lucky ones.
A single moment of understanding
Can flood a whole life with meaning.
Anonymous
